diving in!

I am now resting comfortably on the other side of my first three days of internship training, and I don't even think I can tell you how exciting this week has been for me. I don't even think I realized how big this was to me. I began the whole crazy grad school process in the spring of 2004, and it was then the idea of counseling on a college campus was first planted in my mind. Now, THREE years later, a completely different me is actually seeing the realization of this idea. God has brought about some tremendous changes in me in the last three years, and maybe these changes are noticeable to only me and a few people close to me. But what stands out most to me is God's faithfulness - even and especially in the midst of my doubting, his wisdom in bringing me through the valleys rather than across smooth plains, his goodness, his provision, his patience. I am thankful for these moments in my faith journey where the truth that Scripture promises becomes a tangible entity I can see in my own life circumstances, and not mere words to comfort me through life's ups and downs. Not that Scripture is ever "mere words".

2 Thessalonians 1:11 says "With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God would count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith." I read this verse right before beginning classes in the MFT program, and felt it jump out to me in a way that I felt this verse was for me personally. Things didn't turn out the way that I expected; I certainly did not feel that my good purposes or acts prompted by faith were fulfilled. But today I was reminded that answers to prayer don't come overnight or instantaneously. Promises are not fulfilled in one big action or in the way that is anticipated or planned. And goodness, I'm only three days in and literally hundreds of hours away from a degree; it's not like I'm done or have arrived at my destination. And, I am likely in for some pretty tough challenges and may have to change course again. But there is something in these words for me, they keep surfacing and resurfacing, and the more I meditate on these, the more truth I see. I'm overcome with gratitude that God has called me his own. And now I'm just rambling, but you just don't understand how great the water has felt and how exciting it was to be able to dive in to this adventure.

a trusting stranger

The world is still a friendly place! I went to A Good Locksmith today to have a duplicate of our mailbox key made (yes, it did take us two months), and when I pulled out my credit card to pay, the gentleman told me that they only accept cash. Well, I NEVER carry cash on me, so I was about to tell him that I would have to come back, when he says to just take the keys that he had already made, and when I have time, to come back with the $4 I owe. Ha! I was so surprised, but what a blessing this man is. And, for those of you wondering, I made a special trip to get cash and dropped it by the store on my way back to work. I was afraid I would just forget! What a nice bright spot in my day.

ready, set, go!

I am currently gearing up for my crazy, busy fall to start! I just came off a week of vacation, which was admittedly full but also very refreshing. Unfortunately, it also involved my first ever car accident. From how much that shook me up, you'd think it was a head on collision cruisin' down the highway, but no, thankfully it was only a little parking lot crunch. However, the shock of that event was evened out by time spent with old and new friends, another painting project, a day at Cannon Beach, and a weekend at the island with college friends (otherwise known as Puget Island, which is in the Columbia River, not far from the tiny little town of Cathlamet). It was hard to get up when my alarm went off this morning! My system is reeling. This week I go straight into work and INTERNSHIP!! I can't believe that after almost two years of classes, I finally get to see if this is something I really do enjoy. I have been mostly excited, intermixed with a few spurts of nervousness. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Sunday of this week I will be at the college's freshman orientation activities and doing training with my supervisor and the other interns. Next week, I could potentially begin seeing clients, depending on if students some into the counseling center. Clients!! I am expecting that Wednesday morning (my first day of training), my emotions will quickly sky rocket to near-panic. Pray for me...

an eternal perspective

This morning I found out that a friend from our old church in Bellevue is dealing with cancer. Ironically I found out through facebook, which I barely ever look at - I created an account years ago on a whim and have never taken the time to get into it. But I'm so glad that this news made it to me.

My friend's name is Ben. He and his wife, Lisa, have been married 2 years and both are in their mid-twenties. Ben found out in May of this year that he has a very rare and aggressive form of abdominal cancer, that generally does not respond well to chemo treatments. Still, since May he has been undergoing rounds of chemo; I think he is on his 5th of 7 total rounds, if I followed correctly. I've spent some time today (too much time, I admit) reading Ben's blog: http://802heaven.analogcafe.net/.

Here is the story of a man after God's own heart. I'm brought to tears reading it; not just by the tragic circumstances that these friends are facing, but by the grace and humility I read in every word written. Ben says, "God has called me out of my "normal" life and presented me with a chance to get to know him better." I don't think anything I can write in reflection to that statement can be more powerful than the statement in and of itself. If you read more of his blog, you hear their sorrow, their discouragement, their confusion. But you also see their faith, their love for God, their humility, and their joy. You see two individuals clinging to God through his Word, prayer and fellowship with other Christians. And when I say clinging - I mean clinging. Not the way I cling to God when I get stressed about work and school or feel sad about missing my friends. But clinging to God like someone hanging by a thin rope on the edge of the Grand Canyon. It's strange to me that I just recently posted on celebrating life in the midst of trouble, and here is a perfect living example that it is possible.

the dee dah day dance

I recently finished a class called Prayer and Other Key Disciplines. One of the disciplines we learned about was celebration; taking moments throughout the day to celebrate life and experience joy. We read The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg (which I highly recommend). In it, Ortberg describes the antics of his young daughter after bath time. She would climb out of the tub, but instead of rushing for the warm towel extended to her, would run in circles, completely naked, singing her own little made up song, "dee dah day, dee dah day." I can just picture this little girl reveling in the joy of bath time, soaking up the moment without a care in the world. As an adult, I might have more worries than a small child, but I want to see the simple things and experience joy, too; do my own little dee dah day dance - whatever that might look like. :) I dread the thought of growing into a depressed cranky old woman who lets the pressures of life get her down permanently. Oh, please Lord- let my desire for joy despite the pressures of life not be a naive wishful thought but a reality througout my lifetime.

I am reminded that I serve a God of compassion and joy, whose mercies are new every morning. Ortberg says that God's essential nature is that of joy, and I just love that idea. Yes, sovereign; yes, kingly; yes, holy and righteous and just. But also joy. I am also reminded that joy is not the absence of sorrow. Happiness may only exist in the absence of sorrow, but joy - joy goes beyond happiness. Joy is something deep, something lasting, something that I believe comes from God as a gift. It isn't something I can just conjure up on my own. So even though there is pain in my life, and worry and stress, I can still find joy.

So here are some little things that I am taking joy in today:

- the feel of sunshine on my face
- the sound of the wind in the leaves of the trees outside our bedroom
- yogurt mixed with granola and dried cranberries
- nectarines at the peak of ripeness - especially sliced and eaten with cottage cheese
- a husband who makes my tea every morning before work
- the ability to drink in the beauty around me - like our freshly painted living room!
- good music that energizes me - like Rascal Flatts, Alison Krauss, Passion Worship Band, Journey
- friends who continue to love me even when I don't see them as often as I'd like
- Harry Potter (we are enjoying the 7th book very much!)
- laughter, laughter, laughter

What do you take joy in?

a new achievement

So life has been quite a whirlwind lately, bouncing from a wedding in Port Townsend, to a family reunion in Vancouver, to an impromptu family reunion held in the ICU waiting room in Seattle where we anxiously prayed for my mother-in-law (now well on her way to recovery, thankfully), to a black tie wedding in LA, to another visit to the hospital in Seattle. I'm exhausted and drained physically, emotionally, and mentally. Oh yeah, and we're painting our living room this week. It's currently a deep glossy red, and so we needed to sand first. There was red dust EVERYWHERE, including up my nose.

But, in the midst of this, my business cards arrived at work! Call me crazy, but this was a milestone for me. :) I've now joined the ranks of those who can smoothly pull out their wallet, and say with an air of importance, "oh, let me give you my card..."

spanky's family consignment store

We recently received the wedding invitation for my husband's cousin's wedding, and were thrown into a tail spin by three little words: "black tie affair". Suddenly my husband was talking about cancelling our plane tickets (purchased a couple months ago), and detailing the injustice of men and tuxedos. I, meanwhile, was thinking of the elegant dinner we would get to enjoy, the dancing, and of course, the wedding. And then I realized that I also really don't have anything to wear to a formal wedding; there is no way I am wearing an old prom dress from, um...gulp, 9 years ago, and while I do have several bridesmaid dresses in my closet that I LOVE, they seemed to be a bit of an overkill. And a new dress? Out of our budget at this time. This is where I was introduced to the wonder of Spanky's Family Consignment Store.

Now, by name, it seems a great contradiction in terms: "spanky's" and "family" just don't quite put together a cohesive picture in my mind. But I held my tongue (and my judgment), got in the car and decided to try it out. And... it really is a truly wonderful place. The clothes are much newer and more in style than what you would find at Value Village or Goodwill, and not too much more expensive. I walked out of there with a practically brand new lovely strapless chocolate brown taffeta dress that swishes around my calves when I spin, and that fits me absolutely perfectly, for $15. I recommend the store completely, and might even become a consignor myself in the near future.

And my handsome husband? He'll be fine in his dark suit, which is hanging in his closet just longing to see an evening out on the town.

being different

I had quite an interesting cultural experience this weekend that I thought I would share. I feel sort of hesitant to post about this because it involves a high emotion subject... race. Whenever this topic comes up, I feel so paralyzed to speak, because it almost always feels like I will offend someone no matter what comes out of my mouth. So trust me when I say that I am just processing my own thoughts on this, and please take this in the humble and admittedly naive spirit in which it is intended.

I attended an African American church service this weekend, pastored by an African American baptist pastor. It was to fulfill a class assignment- to experience an event, service or group of another cultural or ethnic group, and part of the assignment was to attend the event alone. So here I am, driving alone in my car feeling nervous about going to church! I felt anxious about standing out, having people stare at me ("what is that white girl doing here?"), being welcomed or scorned- and it hit me (and this is where I recognize how very naive I must be), that this is how many non-white people feel EVERY DAY. I think about the city I grew up in, the college I attended and later worked at, the general population that I currently interact with every day at school, work, our apartment complex, the grocery store, the local park. I see people who look like me almost everywhere I look. Yesterday at church, I had a glimpse of what it is like to look around a very large room, full of a lot of people, and see only a handful of people who look like you.

(The interesting thing about this is that non-white groups are growing faster than white people, and studies predict that by the year 2050, white people will actually make up less than 50% of the population of the US. So if this is true, and non-white people are really growing so quickly in numbers- where are they? Why don't I see more people of color in my day to day routine? Obviously our nation is much more segregated than we think it is).

As for my actual experience at the service? Amazing. Of course no one looked at me funny, and actually everyone was really friendly (more so than my own church?). Their 3 minute greeting time was actually spent greeting every single person sitting in your area! We've visited a lot of churches since we moved, and most of the time, you turn and awkwardly talk to a few people around you, and then everyone sits down and talks with those they came with. :) In any case, what a truly amazing worship service! The music was wonderful, the audience involved, energetic, enthusiastic and actually singing so loudly I could hear the richness of the man's voice standing behind me. The clapping was rhythmic and upbeat, the worship team did an incredible performance without it seeming like a performance, and the pastor was fantastic. He spoke for about an hour, and I was engaged the entire time- along with the rest of the congregation. He drew them in, me along with them. He was funny yet profound, speaking the truth yet full of love and compassion. I am grateful to have experienced this.

learning to love

I've taken to listing to worship music while I walk in the mornings. I know for some this wouldn't qualify as "exercise music", but it is a good time to help me refocus my thoughts on the Lord and music has always helped me to connect with God. This morning I was pondering the song that says, "So let my words be few, Jesus, I am so in love with you." A favorite song, but I started to think about being in love with Jesus. One of the classes I am taking this semester is "learning to love God and others," so I have been thinking a lot about what it means to love God, and how we express that. Our culture today prizes being in love; that warm passionate desire for another. It feels so good to get carried away in this emotion, and there are most definitely times when I do feel that way about God. But to put the concept of love into a more tangible relationship; in marriage, I am learning, there come times when that intense ethereal feeling of love seems to dissipate. Some would say they have "fallen out of love." I might venture we have misunderstood what it means to love another in the first place. Love- the love that lasts- has more to do with an intentional decision and commitment to another person. And, to parallel our love for God, there are most certainly times when I don't have a passion to be with Him or to talk with Him. But my love for God should be deeper than this, underlying that feeling of being in love should be a commitment and a desire to remain in relationship with Him even when I don't feel like it. This probably isn't the first time this realization has hit me (regarding love), but given my mood yesterday, it is good to be reminded that even when I feel crummy, I can still love God and love those in my life who I care about.

And, regarding my mood yesterday, I was reminded by someone that truly truly truly- I am not able, but I am enabled. Such an important distinction, and how easy it is to fall back on self reliance and hard work to get us through life. Whatever Paul meant by the thorn in the flesh, I think that this might be mine- a confidence in self and a forgetfulness of He who makes me strong. Thanks for the reminder. :)

to do lists

Normally, I love to do lists. You can put your list together, and then one by one check items off with a fancy swoosh of your pen. It's so fulfilling to see the list dwindle until you are DONE! But do you ever have a hard time motivating yourself to get stuff done? That is where I am at right now. I am feeling super overwhelmed (I have 12+ books to read this summer, several papers, small group discussions, devotional plans, an exam, some cultural projects, regular household chores, shopping, cooking, house hunting, moving- if we find a house, financial decisions, varying tasks and projects at work- and my boss is out of the country right now, so it's all self-motivation, a few trips and weddings- which are fun (yay!) don't get me wrong, etc.), and all I want to do is pretend there is nothing on my to do list and have fun. Clearly this is my response to stress. But I took time out this weekend! A lot of time (a day spent at the Saturday market in Portland, games of Frisbee at the park...) I should be refreshed and ready to jump back in. My other response to my school related stress and my lack of motivation to start homework is to worry that I won't be a very good counselor! Ah, keeping your eyes on the goal is hard! The funny thing is, I think most people look at me and think I am on top of everything, that I am organized and timely, self-motivated, ambitious, a go-getter. And I am... I guess. I mean, I am in grad school, so that must say something. But I blow things off just like everyone else, and I procrastinate, and I waste time. I'm just so tired of "being the one who has it all together". Sometimes all I want is to be a mom and love my kids. And I know it's not that simplistic or easy (being a mom), but it does seem like an escape from this crazy pursuit of higher education! And I am so afraid of how people react to me when I say I am studying to be a counselor- it's one of two extremes: either they think I am immediately going to start analyzing them and they WANT me to share with them my expert wisdom and knowledge (ha!), or they run like crazy. I don't want that! I'm just here because I felt like it was the right thing to do, and now I want to know what comes next and I don't see it! Oh, but don't worry, I have it all together... man, I am in a crummy mood.

Okay, here is me checking "post a new blog" off my imaginary checklist (even though this is really just a form of procrastination).

new semester, new ideas

My summer classes began yesterday (along with summer, I think. It got up to 85 and it was so warm and beautiful out!). I have two classes on Mondays. The first is Social and Cultural Foundations, which focuses on counseling minorities, and the different racial issues you should be aware of, especially as a white counselor. I am excited about the class, as it covers topics I am really interested in. In the Pacific Northwest, especially among my generation, it is easy to convince ourselves that racism doesn't exist anymore. But it does- in both subversive and obvious ways. In class we watched a video (a Dateline special?) highlighting three different groups that actually promote racist ideas. It made me ill to watch; especially as a couple of these groups claim the Word of God as their standard. Ick. Scripture so clearly teaches against anything resembling racism. My other class is Developing and Discovering Your Ministry Potential. This is a class every student at Western has to take regardless of what program they are in, and I am really looking forward to it. We will be taking a ton of different personality, temperament, and gift inventories and looking at what we are passionate about, what abilities we have, and how we are wired, and then looking at where we can make the greatest impact. The class is based on the idea that while there are a lot of good things to do, a lot of causes to support, a lot of things to be passionate about- God has designed each of us with a specific purpose in mind. We can't each be passionate about everything- if we were we'd all be spread so thin we wouldn't be effective. I have one other class Thursday nights, but haven't had that one yet. So the next six weeks or so will be really busy. That's all for now...

it takes a village...

Last night David and I went to our first small group Bible study at the church we have been attending. We happened to sit near the couple who leads the study on one of our first Sundays, and they invited us to check it out. So last night we did. As I stood to the side of the living room and kitchen area and took the setting in, I was struck by the idea of community. There are five couples (plus us), and most of them have kids, ranging from baby/toddler to young elementary. This group joins together for a meal, and then then starts their prayer and Bible study time about an hour into the evening. So during the preparation and readying of dinner, it was pure pandemonium, in the most joyful sense of the word. Kids wandering from room to room, a little boy dragging a dog leash behind him, chewing on the metal piece, a little girl clinging tightly to her mother, another boy crying big alligator tears being comforted by two of the gals, someone holding out a sippy cup insisting on more water, dings and bells of children's toys singing from the next room. I loved it! It was clear that all the kids were comfortable in this home that they gather in twice a month, and that all the couples knew the children. This is what community should be about, coming together to break bread and share in one anothers' lives, even down to the needs of the kids.

what a headache

As of Monday, my first semester is OVER! Finals went fine, so I think I can conclude that my first classes were a success. It feels good to be done, but at the same time, I feel like I still have a lot to do before I graduate. Tomorrow I will actually be at Western's graduation ceremonies because I got roped into being a Marshall (the person who wears a gown and leads the students in during the procession, and then leads them out after it is over).

Anyway, I have a little break before summer classes start. Tuesday was great, but then Wednesday I started to get an awful migraine, which, of course, lasted through Thursday night. A rarity for me, usually even the worst headaches I get are gone the next day. Even now I can feel the threat of that pounding pain in the recesses of my brain. Can I just say how much I dislike these headaches? I have suffered from them for as long as I can remember. In 4th grade, I remember going home from school with headaches often. What 4th grader gets headaches bad enough to leave school? And even now, it feels like such a lame excuse for not feeling well- "oh, I can't, I have a headache". At least if you have the flu or pneumonia, it sounds significant. Ugh. Okay, so this blog is just to say: Headaches suck.

Virginia Tech shootings

David and I were listening to the radio on the way in to work this morning, and a statement made by the announcer caught me off guard. They had been talking about the Virginia Tech shootings, mostly focusing on the shooter. This is such a tragic situation; these stories always just appall me. Then the announcer closed the segment by stating that classes would resume at Virginia Tech on Monday, but that in the meantime, students and faculty were mourning the loss of 32 people. The fact that they are mourning didn't surprise me; that is to be expected. But there were 33 deaths. The 33rd person is the shooter- Cho Seung-Hui. Shouldn't we be mourning 33 deaths? Do we not consider him a victim because he was the one who caused the other 32 deaths? Or perhaps it was an unintentional slip, numbers have gone back and forth. But it just made me stop and think. God is mourning 33 of His childrens' lives; shouldn't we as well?

jumbled thoughts on meaning and obedience

Lately, I have been challenged on the idea of meaning. If you've stumbled upon this posting in the hopes that you'll read something coherent, you can stop right here. I don't have any put together thesis. I do have a lot of jumbled thoughts. What does it mean to have meaning in your life? Where does meaning come from and how is it created? How do you experience it? A couple of the theories we have covered in my counseling classes center around the idea (or at least deal with the idea) that today's culture breeds meaninglessness, and that much of the pathology (depression, anxiety, etc.) that people experience stem from this lack of meaning in their lives.

Now, this is a broad statement on what causes problems, and I am not even close to saying I endorse this 100%. But, I do agree with the statement that many tend to live lives empty of lasting, deep meaning, and that our fast-paced, materialistic culture feeds this.

When I think of lasting, deep meaning, I primarily think of my faith in Christ and the Christian story that I have chosen to center my life around. But the counseling theorists that purport these ideas are mostly secular. There are some Christian theorists that have adapted the ideas to a Christian counseling framework, but much of the reading deals with the idea of individuals creating their own meaning for themselves. Many even go so far as to say that religion in general is a human construct that has no basis in reality, but that gives people purpose and meaning in life. In other words, religions are just stories people make up to help them survive this world.

Which is where I get hung up. Why it is that in a world that is desperate and hungry for meaning, there exists a deep reluctance in seeing any sort of absolute Truth, or a Truth that exists outside of ourselves and our grasp on it? Is meaning that you create yourself, for yourself, and by yourself, really meaning? Or is that just experience? And what is it that gives experience meaning? To me, meaning seems to imply something beyond yourself; some element of transcendence. How can you have that unless you attach your experience to something outside yourself? Okay, the world longs for meaning, something bigger than just the individual. But then it resists any word that might say that there is a definition of what that "something outside yourself" is. It's like saying, "I want to find meaning and purpose beyond myself- but I want to control and define what that 'beyond myself; looks like." And all that is left is a feeling of emptiness.

A semi-related thought is one about obedience or authority... is it safe to say that these are the dirtiest words in today's autonomous and self-seeking culture?

When my husband and I began thinking of moving from Seattle to Vancouver for me to pursue a seminary program in counseling, I think most people initially thought we were a little nuts to consider it. We were established; we were comfortable; we were well on our way to the white picket fence, two cats in the yard, and house full of kids ideal. Why would we interrupt all of that just because I felt called to pursue a counseling program in a place where I could also expand my knowledge of the Bible? I could get a counseling degree (and a great education) in Seattle. I think there were moments - days even - when David and I had those thoughts. But we kept praying and talking and thinking and this whole crazy idea of picking up and moving just didn't go away.

So why did we do it? In the end, obedience. We felt that God was leading us to move. But again, this is based on our belief that there exists a Truth outside of ourselves (just like the idea that we draw meaning from a source outside ourselves) that we are putting our faith in. For us, that Truth is the Christian story. Truth, with a capital "T"; truth that remains true whether we believe it or disbelieve it, or distort it into something easier for us to buy into. And again, that is an idea our culture rejects.

I guess for me it boils down to the fact that I draw meaning from something beyond myself; a belief in a God who loves me, and that I see little value in meaning that is derived from within myself. And, in making life decisions, it's not just about me; direction comes from somewhere outside myself. And in a world that I see as plainly longing to be a part of something bigger than just the here and now, there exists a culture that wants to create its own definition of transcendence. But is that transcendent at all?