the light shone in the darkness

No, this won't be a posting exhorting you to live a life exemplifying Christ... today David and I explored the Ape Caves near Mt. St. Helens. They aren't exactly caves, it's a tunnel about 2 miles in length that was created a couple thousand years ago when the volcano erupted. The lava went underground, burning through the earth and rock, and after flowing for a few weeks, left behind a carved out tunnel! It was so cool. There are two entrances, one at the end, and another about 1/2 mile from the opposite end of the tunnel. And between the two entrances? Pitch black, except for the flashlights and lanterns of people exploring the caves. Most of it was pretty easy to get through, since the bottom was either fairly even lava flow or sand and mud that had been deposited over the years. But there were sections where it got real narrow and we had to climb over big rocks, or up and down sleep slopes. Fun! Here are a couple fuzzy pictures of our adventures. The first is a picture of one of the entrances (which has a very helpful staircase leading down into it), and the second is the one and only skylight that lets a little light peak into the tunnel about halfway through. It was awesome to see the varying contours of the inside of the tunnel, all the ridges and cavernous ceilings; but unfortunately pitch black darkness doesn't lend itself well to photography. You'll have to check it out for yourself!

frailty

The past week and a half have been sort of like a roller coaster. Good times come right on the heels of hard ones, and sometimes a moment is so good and also so hard at the same time. I'm tired. I cry at odd moments - usually when I stop and rest for a moment, or in the middle of trying get some reading done. I spent a day with my family over the weekend, and was able to see my grandpa for the first time since February. He's a completely different man - so weak and frail. He gets out of breath after even a short sentence, and he can barely walk even with the assistance of a walker. It was painful to watch his gaze turn to the photograph of him and my grandma on the end table, and at the same time I was moved so deeply by the love that existed between these two people. I was also SO glad to just be with him, and have confidence in knowing he knows I love him deeply. There are so many things we just don't say to people! And then we can't anymore. Here's a couple pictures of my grandma, taken just a couple years ago.

memories of grandma

I got a call from my mom this morning to tell me that my grandma had died. If you've read recent postings, it's my grandpa that we had been worried about, after he had broken first one hip and then the other. So I was/am pretty shocked. I was supposed to visit this past weekend, and at the last minute my mom said it was a little hectic and maybe I should wait till this upcoming weekend. So while I sit here and wait to find out more about what is happening in the coming days and weeks, here are some of my favorite memories of my grandma:

Braided rugs that she handmade and had all over her house; her bird feeders she fussed over to make sure there was enough food all the time; picking raspberries in her gardens; how much she loved her plants and wanted to give David cuttings since the two of them had this in common; when I was a kid and my brother and I slept over, I always loved that she had Museli (?) cereal that she would give me with half & half or some sort of creamy milk; short bread cookies in her cookie jars; looking under her bathroom sink to see what colors of nail polish and lipstick she had; she kept a daily calendar and would write little notes on each day of the week about what she had done that day, like "lunch with Leila" or something else completely routine and ordinary; her elegant and perfect cursive handwriting; looooong games of Shang-hi (the best card game ever) around their dining room table; during card games of Shang-hi the feisty way she'd say "I want that" when a card came up she wanted to steal; her eye for beauty and pretty things; when people would tell me that I remind them of my grandma I always felt such pride and joy to hear that; her beauty and grace; her fiery stubbornness; her advice to me when I got married: to always share and love each other - so simply, so sweet; at my wedding shower, after opening a particularly lovely piece of lingerie, it was my GRANDMOTHER who said "you'll only wear it for 30 seconds"; she figured out email and always sent me every forward imaginable; with some prompting she even created a facebook account; her recipe for peppermint bark and almond rocca; she was so excited when we announced we were moving to the Portland area, because she thought Oregon was such a "progressive state"; her strength as evidenced throughout her life as a war-time wife and mother; her faithfulness to send birthday, Christmas and anniversary cards; how she always said she was proud of me and believed in me.

organization

Exciting news - 18 months after we packed up and left Seattle, we are finally completely and 100% unpacked! Not a single box remains unopened and sorted through. It's an amazing feeling, having everything in it's right place... even if that "right place" is in the corner of a closet. Our 4th bedroom is still pretty much a disaster area. Empty plastic storage containers in one corner, several boxes of pictures and albums that we are temporarily storing for some family members (soon to be given back), a craft table, some tools, our fans (no, not our adoring public, but the fans that circulate air through hot stuffy houses), a ladder (which really should be in the garage), and our bean bag chair (which I continue to insist is not a "regular" part of our living room furniture but can be brought down when a cushy seat is desired). Sigh... these items will also need to find a new home sometime in the coming years, but I suppose for the now the "Rocket Room" - aptly named for the extravagant outer space mural that covers one entire wall - can continue its function as a catch all room.

One other note - I have finally succeeded in securing bookshelf space for my counseling books... duh duh dun... in our office! This followed by the feat of securing a whole drawer in our desk for miscellaneous pens, pencils, office supplies and notepads last fall, and I actually feel like "our" office is our office! The background to this amazing turn of events is that when we first got married, the office was my husband's "room" that he could decorate however he wished. Since the rest of the house was "mine" to decorate, he's been a bit possessive about what goes into the office. Happily, we are reaching a point in our marriage where we can share. :) Brilliant!

what does it mean to be tagged?

Well, in any case. I was tagged. So here goes:

What was I doing 10 years ago?
Graduating from high school. Yikes! At this time, I was actually already graduated and in Bolivia with my friend visiting her family and working in an orphanage. Fun!

What are 5 snacks I enjoy?
Chips & salsa
Apples & peanut butter
Sun dried tomato wheat thins
Yogurt & granola
Ice cream (it's a snack!!)

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
Tour Europe for a couple months
Buy a beautiful new Craftsman style home on acreage
Buy a cabin on the coast to use for vacations with family or friends
Help my parents make sure they can enjoy their retirement years
Counsel, mentor and disciple high school and young adult women

7 jobs I have had:
Nanny
Office Assistant
High School Youth Leader
Short-term Missions Coordinator
Admissions Applications Coordinator
Undergraduate Admissions Representative
Admin for the Doctor of Ministry program (aka Assistant Director :) )

7 places I have lived:
Idaho City, ID
Bellevue, WA
Issaquah, WA
Seattle, WA
Renton, WA
Vancouver, WA
Only 6 and almost all in Washington - how boring!

5 favorite hobbies or wanna-be-hobbies:
Hiking
Kickboxing/Pilates
Reading
Theology
Singing

If you read this, it's your turn!

hot stuff

Yes, it's true. We happened to be a store that had Dance Dance Revolution for the Wii available, and we decided to go for it. Sadly (or happily?), I am completely addicted. The first night I attempted the routine to "Hot Stuff" over and over until I felt I had pretty much mastered it... at the beginner level, of course.

my new theme...

IN PROCESS

Synonyms: unfinished, incomplete, uncompleted, fragmentary, partial, ongoing, in progress, not whole

My central theme for life right now is "in process". Not yet perfect (okay... never going to be perfect). It's playing out in all areas of my life, and most significantly within my own heart as I take an honest look at myself, the standards and expectations I have created, and the reality of life on a fallen earth lived out with fallen people.

Many themes of the Christian life fit well with the idea of "in process": journey, path, the way. We live in an "already, but not yet" state; yet I think I've lived most of my life with an expectation for "already."

Some verses that have hit home:

Galatians 5:25 - Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Romans 8:1 - Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Musings from one who is "in process"...

what's new with me?

Work: Busy. I've had 2 doctoral class almost back to back and have a to do list over a page long of items that have taken a back burner so that I could focus on preparing for the classes. Since I like having all the loose ends neatly tied, this has been stressful for me. I have piles of things all over my office of different projects that are awaiting my attention.

School: Intense. I am only taking one class right now, on career and lifestyle development, but summer class are done as intensives, so it's a full 3 credit class crammed into 6 weeks. This one is over at the end of the month, and then I have two in July - a class on ethics, and a class dealing with the integration of counseling and the Christian faith. I like my career class, though. I'm working on a presentation right now, dealing with how the church can be more involved in career guidance. The idea is that God builds people for a purpose - each individual has unique talents and gifts that can be applied in a career, whether that is ministry or business. Seeing a person discover their giftings, realize their passions, and figure out how these can be used to meet a need in the world is exciting to me.

Internship: None. I get a break! I finished up at the college in May, and will start at Open House Ministries in September. I am glad to have a little more room in my schedule.

Family: Complicated. My Grandpa broke his hip about 6 weeks ago, and has been in the hospital, then a rehab facility, and now an adult care facility. He probably won't be able to move back into the retirement apartment where he and my grandma lived before, because it's likely he won't regain full functioning and the retirement apartment is not able to provide the care services he will need. This means that he and my grandma - who have been married for 65+ years - probably won't be able to live together anymore. Wow. I can't imagine. My mom has been spending a lot of time with them, and is drained in all ways. I'm too far away to do much, and feel completed out of the loop. On the other side of the family, David's parents moved down to Vancouver to be closer to us, and his mom's sister whose whole family is down here.

Friends: Fabulous! I've been intentionally making time for coffee and other fun times to relax, and this has paid off. Whoever said that thing about each man being his own island (or whatever) was nuts! We're made for community; we're made for relationships; and no matter how introverted a person is, they've got to have the support of at least a few key people.

David: Well, he's having to put up with me dealing with all of the above. We've got plans to hike to the crater at the top of Mt. St. Helens in July, and then spend a few days down at Crater Lake in August. I'm excited!

So. If anyone does still happen to check my ill-kept and outdated blog, that's an update on me!

creative endeavors

Before starting my first counseling internship

After completing my first counseling internship

These are a couple collages I made from magazine clippings to depict my feelings before I started my internship last fall, and after I completed it this May. I haven't made a collage in years (probably high school?) but this was a fun way to let the other side of my brain take over for a bit. I was surprised at the pictures and images that jumped out at me. :)

our deepest fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The above words were spoken by Nelson Mandela, and originally written by Marianne Williamson.

good friday

I came across this you tube video on one of my professor's blog and appreciated that I was forced to stop and reflect on this season of remembering Christ's death. Quite a juxtaposition to watch these scenes of The Passion of the Christ to the song "How Beautiful". But there is such beauty here, unspeakable beauty. It's a reminder that the Christ I confess is not a story, not a myth, not a metaphor, but a reality. The world was broken, and his life, death and resurrection make it possible for us to be healed and restored to fellowship with God. If you'd like to watch the video, you can see it here: How Beautiful is the Passion of Christ.

We just studied atonement in my theology class, and I came away with such a full understanding (and still so many questions) of what it means to be atoned by Christ's death. In this act, there is justification, a penalty paid for our sin, sacrifice, forgiveness, mercy, reconciliation, redemption, an example for life, and triumph over darkness. Each aspect of what atonement means reveals more of the beauty inherent in it. What little I do understand causes me to love God more fully and more completely and to be more convinced than ever that there is no other way toward Him than through Christ.

the best husband!

On a lighter note, this week I have a doctoral class going on at work (I support the doctoral program). During these classes, one of my many responsibilities is to make sure the students have yummy food throughout their class to get them through their long days - they meet all day for 4 days straight. Last night I stopped by campus to clean the room up and get it ready for class today. David was with me, so he came in and helped me put things away and prepare for the morning snacks - so helpful! But I didn't even realize how helpful until I got to work this morning, and went to go restock some of the baskets of goodies that I will put out this afternoon. He had already done it! He'd even made sure that there were 2 of every flavor or variety. Sweet guy! I am so thankful... :)

sifting

It has a been a loooooong time since I have posted anything too substantial. It's not because there isn't anything substantial going on with me; more like I'm being bombarded by new things, lessons about life, belief systems, ideas, work challenges, clients' issues, my issues, and on and on. The past several months have been actually pretty transformational for me, and it's sort of all still sifting and settling. Actually, it feels like I am being sifted - that God is challenging me to really look at myself and my life up to this point and is sifting out some of the crummy stuff that doesn't need to continue to drag me down. I'm taking a class this semester called group counseling, which is about how to learn to lead counseling groups. Since the seminary is committed to great pedagogy, they believe that experiential learning is one of the best methods to teach us students (note my slight ironic sarcasm here), so for this class it means that we have been divided into counseling groups which we have been meeting in weekly for the past 10 weeks or so. Talk about totally dreading something - you'd think a counselor in training would be so excited to get together with a bunch of classmates and talk about myself. Not the case - at first. This experience has been amazing for me. I've been challenged to take risks that I don't normally take with people, opening up more readily and more fully than I normally do. It has been so rewarding. In January, I also started my individual counseling that is required for me to graduate (I'm halfway through my 20 sessions), and have been getting so much out of this! It's hard. I have a renewed respect for every person who has ever been a client for any period of time. It is not easy to commit to making changes in your life. So this has been quite the intensive therapeutic semester for me. I'm comforted to know that during the sifting process, God still has me firmly in His grip. If you think about a sifter (or colander or whatever), that's the whole purpose of the device; to hold something securely while the unneeded stuff is sifted out from the good stuff. I can't imagine trying to get through life without knowing I'm held securely in God's hands.

the cake

Tomorrow I turn 28! Birthdays remind me of cake. And cake reminds me of THE CAKE. In college, I lived in an apartment with three amazing girls for my last two years of school. There are many fun memories I could recount from those years, but one of the best had to do with the celebration of each of our birthdays. We would make a big deal for one another, streamers put up before dawn, city statues decorated in the middle of the night with a surprise birthday sign, a kidnapping to a local breakfast place, special meals. But the best part of each of our birthdays was THE CAKE. One of my girlfriends introduced us to this decadent creation; a rich chocolate cake with a cream cheese chocolate chip filling, smothered in creamy gooey cream cheese frosting, and, as if there is not enough sugar already, topped with chocolate chips. Absolute perfection! We would make THE CAKE for each of our special days. And then the four of us would proceed to eat the entire 9x13 cake in about 36 hours. Lunch became an excuse to help ourselves to a piece, an afternoon snack was perfectly complimented by a sliver, and dinner - well, a healthy dinner only deserved a nice helping of dessert, right? All of us have since confessed to even topping breakfast off with a small bite or two. Ah, such bliss!

yay, singing!

I had coffee with the worship leader at our church yesterday, and took the first step toward getting involved in singing on our worship team. :) For years I have been toying with the idea of doing this - something to get back into music! But I've never had the guts to do it - cause isn't there always someone with more talent or better qualified? But the idea wouldn't let go of me, so I finally did it. And then she totally surprised me by suggesting that I come this morning and sing with the team. It was so much fun! I had a blast - there is just something about singing that makes me smile. So I am refreshed, relaxed and very excited for the next time.