signs of fall

1. The crisp air in the mornings and evenings

2. Rain, mist, drizzle, and downpours (all in one day even!)

3. Red and yellow leaves accumulating along the sides of the streets and across lawns

4. Socks are become a regular part of my wardrobe again

5. Halloween decorations and costumes filling the store aisles

6. Groups of kiddos on street corners, waiting for the school bus (7am??? So early!)

7. Waking up to the dark gray of pre-dawn, rather than bright sunshine

8. Pumpkin spice lattes

introduction to middle school 101

I'm starting to volunteer with our youth group at church, and Wednesday night was my first time hanging out with them. I've spent much more time with high school kids, but there's a lack of female leaders for middle school (as in, they don't have any), and so I'm testing the waters to see if this would be a fit. Holy cow, do these kiddos have a lot of energy! I was exhausted after just 15 minutes, both physically and mentally. Not to mention their wholehearted and blunt curiosity. My favorite part of the evening was facing a barrage of questions thrown at me from a group of 6th and 7th grade girls:

Girls: Which kids are yours? (Um, do I look old enough to have middle school CHILDREN??)

Me: Actually, I don't have any kids.

Girls: Are you married?

Me: Yes.

Girls: Where is your husband?

Me: At home.

Girls: Why isn't he here?

Me: Well, he had other things to work on tonight. (i.e. avoid the craziness that is youth group)

Girls: Do you want kids?

Me: Yes, someday.

Girls: Are you pregnant?

What? Excuse me? I had to laugh at that one. And by the way, the answer is no.

rantings of the compliant one

I need to vent. I’ve spent my day running to and fro, meeting one need after another that in my mind, were not nearly as urgent as the creased brow on the face of the person making the request might have indicated. I’m not a rude person (usually, although I suppose some might argue with this). I generally do what people expect of me, and unless they’ve got me in a particular funky mood, I can do so with a fairly pleasant smile on my face. Sometimes I can even issue quite a genuine apology for the trouble the person has encountered… even in cases where I have absolutely nothing to apologize for. But come on people! Grace! Grace! You do not NEED everything done for you right this minute. It is not my responsibility to anticipate and therefore answer every single question that you might possibly come up with. And just because it is not done right this minute, does not mean that it is MY fault. Maybe you let the ball, drop, huh? Maybe you didn’t respond to a really important email that I sent out. Maybe you didn’t even read it! Maybe it is unrealistic to expect the world of one person, and maybe you should learn to take a little of the burden off of those people who you generally rely on so heavily! Don’t give me excuses!!!

Okay, I know sometimes I am the one demanding something outrageous of another person. I can be whiny and annoying, too. I know that. I accept that. We all have our bad days. So I am not condemning the world while maintaining the illusion that I don’t dish out every bit as much crap at times. All I know is that today I am tired of accepting responsibility for errors that were not mine, I am tired of smiling at people who are irritating me, and I am tired of being praised as “such a helpful person”. For once, I’d love to be the one to say, “Well, that was stupid, wasn’t it? Better luck next time!”

ah, suburbia...

WE FINISHED OUR FENCE! WE FINISHED OUR FENCE! IT'S FINALLY DONE! YAY!

The construction project that was begun on June 28, 2008 is finally complete. Posts are in, frame is attached to the posts - at the correct angles, of course, which, uh, took us a couple tries - the boards are nailed to the frame, and, the entire things is stained a nice shade of cedar! Whew, what a project. Who knew that something as simple as, "let's fence our backyard!" would lead to such exhausting days and tired bodies. Well, actually probably a lot of people knew this would be hard and time consuming. Good for you.

Something else we learned throughout this process is how nice people in our neighborhood are! Our house sits on a corner lot, and because it is somewhat near the entrance to our development, we get a lot of traffic driving past our house (hence the reason for the fence, right?). So as we've been out working on this, pretty much the whole neighborhood has had a chance to observe our progress (or lack thereof at some points, while we waited for it to stop raining or to cool down enough so we didn't die of heat exhaustion). This last week, we've been out every evening, working desperately to finish staining the dang thing. At first the comments of drivers passing by were sporadic and brief: "nice job!", "looking good!", "you're almost there!". And then people started to SLOW DOWN and pause by our yard: "you guys have done a wonderful job", "I hope you are pleased with your work", "we live down the street - thank you for doing such a great job on your fence".

We debated the veracity of people's comments, I mean, it is just a fence! Were people just being nice? But why pause, slow your car, roll the window down (allowing 90 degree heat into your car mind you) and stop to actually chat with us?

So, we've concluded that our neighbors actually are please with the finished product - which is great, because we are too. Only in the suburbs...

the audacity!

We attended a friend's wedding this past weekend and had a wonderful time catching up with some college friends we don't get a chance to see as often as we'd like. We also heard probably one of the best wedding sermons ever. The pastor led off with a statement something along the lines of "no time seems to be a good time for marriage." I know, doesn't seem to be off to a good start, huh? He went on to commend the boldness of people who attempt such a step, pausing to wonder what our dear friends - who, mind you, are standing at the altar waiting to exchange their vows - think they are doing? My favorite phrase was his claim of the "audacity of marriage." I loved the whole thing. Today it seems like people enter into marriages with more thought about the dress, the cake and the music than about what it might mean to love one another until death, in sickness and health, in good times and in bad.

Having just celebrated our 6th anniversary, David and I have now been married long enough to recognize that things are not always as lovely as they were on our wedding day (okay, we probably realized that a while ago!). And I am thrilled to say we are beginning to grasp the truth that there is GREAT boldness and audacity that is required of two people who make a commitment to remain together as partners in life. In a time when the very definition of marriage is being battered from all sides (I heard recently that there are on-going discussions of high commitment marriage licenses vs. low commitment marriage licences, or licences that are designed to expire in 7 years, requiring the couple to renew it), this pastor's message was honest and refreshing. It is not all roses and chocolate, but it is a beautiful thing. It's beautiful because those who have the audacity to enter into marriage and commit to it - and stay committed to it even when it's rough - are a living picture of God's faithfulness to us when we insult, forget, and deny him.

Who are these kids anyway??

the view from portland

One of the things I have come to love about living in the Portland/Vancouver area are the views of Mount Hood. I still get giddy when I go back to my Seattle home and see Mount Rainier looming with its majestic beauty - but I have learned that Mount Hood offers a georgeous panorama as well. This is what I get to see every morning on my way to work or class:

Also, something unique about the views of Mount Hood, is that this mountain, about 4000 feet lower than Mount Rainier, looks vastly different in the winter:

Than it does in the summer:

You can watch the snow melt as summer creeps in!

stories that shape us

One of the many stories that has shaped my life is being told that I remind people of my grandmother. Stylish clothing, pretty jewelery, decorating a home, baked goods and learning to make candies and other yummy treats, an appreciation for beauty, a bit of a feisty streak. These are just some of the things that I remember where someone made the connection between me and my grandma - "you're so much like your grandmother!" My mom told me once that I was my grandma's favorite grandchild because my grandma herself identified with me. I cannot put into words the pride that would come with such comments; I knew this was high praise; that there was a goodness in my grandma that penetrated deep. To be told that people see her in me meant - and means - a lot.

Now that she is gone, I'm left wondering if she really knew that. We weren't close in the sense that we talked frequently or spent a lot of time together, especially since I moved away almost two years ago. We talked regularly, but maybe every couple months or so. It was more that I saw us, as Anne of Green Gables would say, as kindred spirits; so similar in so many ways. Did she know how proud I was to take after her, to see beauty where others saw plainness, to love people and desire to share deeply in their lives? It really aches to wonder. It aches to think of how she never saw my home here and got to appreciate the paint colors I chose or the kitchen we pretty much redesigned. Even more so, she'll never know my children. She got to meet 5 great-grandchildren before she left this earth. But not mine. Regrets.

I'm feeling like a pretty bad counselor, because I can't seem to live out some of the things I remember telling clients this past year: give it time, let the roller coaster emotions come, let yourself mourn, it's normal to feel a little crazy, it's normal for moods to change quickly, it's normal to feel easily irritable... I'm completely at a loss as to how to deal with this! The service was last week, and while before the service I thought I was doing pretty well, now I am not so sure. It was so real and so final and so absolute. And I'd do anything to rewind the summer and have one last opportunity to see my grandma. And it hurts so badly. And I'm really trying to keep going to work and keep going to classes and keep being social with my friends and keep supporting my family and keep praying and seeking God's comfort. But it's all really hard. And then I tell myself I am overreacting; it was "only" my grandma (ouch - that seems terrible to think, let alone type). What the heck??? I am going crazy.

the legacy

When I die, give what is left to the children.
If you need to cry,
cry for your brothers and sisters
who walk beside you.
Put your arms around anyone,
and give them what you need to give me.
I want to leave you something,
something better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I have known and loved.
And, if you cannot live without me- then let me live in your eyes-your mind-and your
acts of kindness.
You can love me most by letting hands touch hands, and letting go of children who need to be free.
Love does not die.
People do.
So, when all that is left of me is love,
give me away.

- author unknown -

the light shone in the darkness

No, this won't be a posting exhorting you to live a life exemplifying Christ... today David and I explored the Ape Caves near Mt. St. Helens. They aren't exactly caves, it's a tunnel about 2 miles in length that was created a couple thousand years ago when the volcano erupted. The lava went underground, burning through the earth and rock, and after flowing for a few weeks, left behind a carved out tunnel! It was so cool. There are two entrances, one at the end, and another about 1/2 mile from the opposite end of the tunnel. And between the two entrances? Pitch black, except for the flashlights and lanterns of people exploring the caves. Most of it was pretty easy to get through, since the bottom was either fairly even lava flow or sand and mud that had been deposited over the years. But there were sections where it got real narrow and we had to climb over big rocks, or up and down sleep slopes. Fun! Here are a couple fuzzy pictures of our adventures. The first is a picture of one of the entrances (which has a very helpful staircase leading down into it), and the second is the one and only skylight that lets a little light peak into the tunnel about halfway through. It was awesome to see the varying contours of the inside of the tunnel, all the ridges and cavernous ceilings; but unfortunately pitch black darkness doesn't lend itself well to photography. You'll have to check it out for yourself!

frailty

The past week and a half have been sort of like a roller coaster. Good times come right on the heels of hard ones, and sometimes a moment is so good and also so hard at the same time. I'm tired. I cry at odd moments - usually when I stop and rest for a moment, or in the middle of trying get some reading done. I spent a day with my family over the weekend, and was able to see my grandpa for the first time since February. He's a completely different man - so weak and frail. He gets out of breath after even a short sentence, and he can barely walk even with the assistance of a walker. It was painful to watch his gaze turn to the photograph of him and my grandma on the end table, and at the same time I was moved so deeply by the love that existed between these two people. I was also SO glad to just be with him, and have confidence in knowing he knows I love him deeply. There are so many things we just don't say to people! And then we can't anymore. Here's a couple pictures of my grandma, taken just a couple years ago.

memories of grandma

I got a call from my mom this morning to tell me that my grandma had died. If you've read recent postings, it's my grandpa that we had been worried about, after he had broken first one hip and then the other. So I was/am pretty shocked. I was supposed to visit this past weekend, and at the last minute my mom said it was a little hectic and maybe I should wait till this upcoming weekend. So while I sit here and wait to find out more about what is happening in the coming days and weeks, here are some of my favorite memories of my grandma:

Braided rugs that she handmade and had all over her house; her bird feeders she fussed over to make sure there was enough food all the time; picking raspberries in her gardens; how much she loved her plants and wanted to give David cuttings since the two of them had this in common; when I was a kid and my brother and I slept over, I always loved that she had Museli (?) cereal that she would give me with half & half or some sort of creamy milk; short bread cookies in her cookie jars; looking under her bathroom sink to see what colors of nail polish and lipstick she had; she kept a daily calendar and would write little notes on each day of the week about what she had done that day, like "lunch with Leila" or something else completely routine and ordinary; her elegant and perfect cursive handwriting; looooong games of Shang-hi (the best card game ever) around their dining room table; during card games of Shang-hi the feisty way she'd say "I want that" when a card came up she wanted to steal; her eye for beauty and pretty things; when people would tell me that I remind them of my grandma I always felt such pride and joy to hear that; her beauty and grace; her fiery stubbornness; her advice to me when I got married: to always share and love each other - so simply, so sweet; at my wedding shower, after opening a particularly lovely piece of lingerie, it was my GRANDMOTHER who said "you'll only wear it for 30 seconds"; she figured out email and always sent me every forward imaginable; with some prompting she even created a facebook account; her recipe for peppermint bark and almond rocca; she was so excited when we announced we were moving to the Portland area, because she thought Oregon was such a "progressive state"; her strength as evidenced throughout her life as a war-time wife and mother; her faithfulness to send birthday, Christmas and anniversary cards; how she always said she was proud of me and believed in me.

organization

Exciting news - 18 months after we packed up and left Seattle, we are finally completely and 100% unpacked! Not a single box remains unopened and sorted through. It's an amazing feeling, having everything in it's right place... even if that "right place" is in the corner of a closet. Our 4th bedroom is still pretty much a disaster area. Empty plastic storage containers in one corner, several boxes of pictures and albums that we are temporarily storing for some family members (soon to be given back), a craft table, some tools, our fans (no, not our adoring public, but the fans that circulate air through hot stuffy houses), a ladder (which really should be in the garage), and our bean bag chair (which I continue to insist is not a "regular" part of our living room furniture but can be brought down when a cushy seat is desired). Sigh... these items will also need to find a new home sometime in the coming years, but I suppose for the now the "Rocket Room" - aptly named for the extravagant outer space mural that covers one entire wall - can continue its function as a catch all room.

One other note - I have finally succeeded in securing bookshelf space for my counseling books... duh duh dun... in our office! This followed by the feat of securing a whole drawer in our desk for miscellaneous pens, pencils, office supplies and notepads last fall, and I actually feel like "our" office is our office! The background to this amazing turn of events is that when we first got married, the office was my husband's "room" that he could decorate however he wished. Since the rest of the house was "mine" to decorate, he's been a bit possessive about what goes into the office. Happily, we are reaching a point in our marriage where we can share. :) Brilliant!

what does it mean to be tagged?

Well, in any case. I was tagged. So here goes:

What was I doing 10 years ago?
Graduating from high school. Yikes! At this time, I was actually already graduated and in Bolivia with my friend visiting her family and working in an orphanage. Fun!

What are 5 snacks I enjoy?
Chips & salsa
Apples & peanut butter
Sun dried tomato wheat thins
Yogurt & granola
Ice cream (it's a snack!!)

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
Tour Europe for a couple months
Buy a beautiful new Craftsman style home on acreage
Buy a cabin on the coast to use for vacations with family or friends
Help my parents make sure they can enjoy their retirement years
Counsel, mentor and disciple high school and young adult women

7 jobs I have had:
Nanny
Office Assistant
High School Youth Leader
Short-term Missions Coordinator
Admissions Applications Coordinator
Undergraduate Admissions Representative
Admin for the Doctor of Ministry program (aka Assistant Director :) )

7 places I have lived:
Idaho City, ID
Bellevue, WA
Issaquah, WA
Seattle, WA
Renton, WA
Vancouver, WA
Only 6 and almost all in Washington - how boring!

5 favorite hobbies or wanna-be-hobbies:
Hiking
Kickboxing/Pilates
Reading
Theology
Singing

If you read this, it's your turn!

hot stuff

Yes, it's true. We happened to be a store that had Dance Dance Revolution for the Wii available, and we decided to go for it. Sadly (or happily?), I am completely addicted. The first night I attempted the routine to "Hot Stuff" over and over until I felt I had pretty much mastered it... at the beginner level, of course.

my new theme...

IN PROCESS

Synonyms: unfinished, incomplete, uncompleted, fragmentary, partial, ongoing, in progress, not whole

My central theme for life right now is "in process". Not yet perfect (okay... never going to be perfect). It's playing out in all areas of my life, and most significantly within my own heart as I take an honest look at myself, the standards and expectations I have created, and the reality of life on a fallen earth lived out with fallen people.

Many themes of the Christian life fit well with the idea of "in process": journey, path, the way. We live in an "already, but not yet" state; yet I think I've lived most of my life with an expectation for "already."

Some verses that have hit home:

Galatians 5:25 - Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Romans 8:1 - Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Musings from one who is "in process"...