being different

I had quite an interesting cultural experience this weekend that I thought I would share. I feel sort of hesitant to post about this because it involves a high emotion subject... race. Whenever this topic comes up, I feel so paralyzed to speak, because it almost always feels like I will offend someone no matter what comes out of my mouth. So trust me when I say that I am just processing my own thoughts on this, and please take this in the humble and admittedly naive spirit in which it is intended.

I attended an African American church service this weekend, pastored by an African American baptist pastor. It was to fulfill a class assignment- to experience an event, service or group of another cultural or ethnic group, and part of the assignment was to attend the event alone. So here I am, driving alone in my car feeling nervous about going to church! I felt anxious about standing out, having people stare at me ("what is that white girl doing here?"), being welcomed or scorned- and it hit me (and this is where I recognize how very naive I must be), that this is how many non-white people feel EVERY DAY. I think about the city I grew up in, the college I attended and later worked at, the general population that I currently interact with every day at school, work, our apartment complex, the grocery store, the local park. I see people who look like me almost everywhere I look. Yesterday at church, I had a glimpse of what it is like to look around a very large room, full of a lot of people, and see only a handful of people who look like you.

(The interesting thing about this is that non-white groups are growing faster than white people, and studies predict that by the year 2050, white people will actually make up less than 50% of the population of the US. So if this is true, and non-white people are really growing so quickly in numbers- where are they? Why don't I see more people of color in my day to day routine? Obviously our nation is much more segregated than we think it is).

As for my actual experience at the service? Amazing. Of course no one looked at me funny, and actually everyone was really friendly (more so than my own church?). Their 3 minute greeting time was actually spent greeting every single person sitting in your area! We've visited a lot of churches since we moved, and most of the time, you turn and awkwardly talk to a few people around you, and then everyone sits down and talks with those they came with. :) In any case, what a truly amazing worship service! The music was wonderful, the audience involved, energetic, enthusiastic and actually singing so loudly I could hear the richness of the man's voice standing behind me. The clapping was rhythmic and upbeat, the worship team did an incredible performance without it seeming like a performance, and the pastor was fantastic. He spoke for about an hour, and I was engaged the entire time- along with the rest of the congregation. He drew them in, me along with them. He was funny yet profound, speaking the truth yet full of love and compassion. I am grateful to have experienced this.

learning to love

I've taken to listing to worship music while I walk in the mornings. I know for some this wouldn't qualify as "exercise music", but it is a good time to help me refocus my thoughts on the Lord and music has always helped me to connect with God. This morning I was pondering the song that says, "So let my words be few, Jesus, I am so in love with you." A favorite song, but I started to think about being in love with Jesus. One of the classes I am taking this semester is "learning to love God and others," so I have been thinking a lot about what it means to love God, and how we express that. Our culture today prizes being in love; that warm passionate desire for another. It feels so good to get carried away in this emotion, and there are most definitely times when I do feel that way about God. But to put the concept of love into a more tangible relationship; in marriage, I am learning, there come times when that intense ethereal feeling of love seems to dissipate. Some would say they have "fallen out of love." I might venture we have misunderstood what it means to love another in the first place. Love- the love that lasts- has more to do with an intentional decision and commitment to another person. And, to parallel our love for God, there are most certainly times when I don't have a passion to be with Him or to talk with Him. But my love for God should be deeper than this, underlying that feeling of being in love should be a commitment and a desire to remain in relationship with Him even when I don't feel like it. This probably isn't the first time this realization has hit me (regarding love), but given my mood yesterday, it is good to be reminded that even when I feel crummy, I can still love God and love those in my life who I care about.

And, regarding my mood yesterday, I was reminded by someone that truly truly truly- I am not able, but I am enabled. Such an important distinction, and how easy it is to fall back on self reliance and hard work to get us through life. Whatever Paul meant by the thorn in the flesh, I think that this might be mine- a confidence in self and a forgetfulness of He who makes me strong. Thanks for the reminder. :)

to do lists

Normally, I love to do lists. You can put your list together, and then one by one check items off with a fancy swoosh of your pen. It's so fulfilling to see the list dwindle until you are DONE! But do you ever have a hard time motivating yourself to get stuff done? That is where I am at right now. I am feeling super overwhelmed (I have 12+ books to read this summer, several papers, small group discussions, devotional plans, an exam, some cultural projects, regular household chores, shopping, cooking, house hunting, moving- if we find a house, financial decisions, varying tasks and projects at work- and my boss is out of the country right now, so it's all self-motivation, a few trips and weddings- which are fun (yay!) don't get me wrong, etc.), and all I want to do is pretend there is nothing on my to do list and have fun. Clearly this is my response to stress. But I took time out this weekend! A lot of time (a day spent at the Saturday market in Portland, games of Frisbee at the park...) I should be refreshed and ready to jump back in. My other response to my school related stress and my lack of motivation to start homework is to worry that I won't be a very good counselor! Ah, keeping your eyes on the goal is hard! The funny thing is, I think most people look at me and think I am on top of everything, that I am organized and timely, self-motivated, ambitious, a go-getter. And I am... I guess. I mean, I am in grad school, so that must say something. But I blow things off just like everyone else, and I procrastinate, and I waste time. I'm just so tired of "being the one who has it all together". Sometimes all I want is to be a mom and love my kids. And I know it's not that simplistic or easy (being a mom), but it does seem like an escape from this crazy pursuit of higher education! And I am so afraid of how people react to me when I say I am studying to be a counselor- it's one of two extremes: either they think I am immediately going to start analyzing them and they WANT me to share with them my expert wisdom and knowledge (ha!), or they run like crazy. I don't want that! I'm just here because I felt like it was the right thing to do, and now I want to know what comes next and I don't see it! Oh, but don't worry, I have it all together... man, I am in a crummy mood.

Okay, here is me checking "post a new blog" off my imaginary checklist (even though this is really just a form of procrastination).

new semester, new ideas

My summer classes began yesterday (along with summer, I think. It got up to 85 and it was so warm and beautiful out!). I have two classes on Mondays. The first is Social and Cultural Foundations, which focuses on counseling minorities, and the different racial issues you should be aware of, especially as a white counselor. I am excited about the class, as it covers topics I am really interested in. In the Pacific Northwest, especially among my generation, it is easy to convince ourselves that racism doesn't exist anymore. But it does- in both subversive and obvious ways. In class we watched a video (a Dateline special?) highlighting three different groups that actually promote racist ideas. It made me ill to watch; especially as a couple of these groups claim the Word of God as their standard. Ick. Scripture so clearly teaches against anything resembling racism. My other class is Developing and Discovering Your Ministry Potential. This is a class every student at Western has to take regardless of what program they are in, and I am really looking forward to it. We will be taking a ton of different personality, temperament, and gift inventories and looking at what we are passionate about, what abilities we have, and how we are wired, and then looking at where we can make the greatest impact. The class is based on the idea that while there are a lot of good things to do, a lot of causes to support, a lot of things to be passionate about- God has designed each of us with a specific purpose in mind. We can't each be passionate about everything- if we were we'd all be spread so thin we wouldn't be effective. I have one other class Thursday nights, but haven't had that one yet. So the next six weeks or so will be really busy. That's all for now...

it takes a village...

Last night David and I went to our first small group Bible study at the church we have been attending. We happened to sit near the couple who leads the study on one of our first Sundays, and they invited us to check it out. So last night we did. As I stood to the side of the living room and kitchen area and took the setting in, I was struck by the idea of community. There are five couples (plus us), and most of them have kids, ranging from baby/toddler to young elementary. This group joins together for a meal, and then then starts their prayer and Bible study time about an hour into the evening. So during the preparation and readying of dinner, it was pure pandemonium, in the most joyful sense of the word. Kids wandering from room to room, a little boy dragging a dog leash behind him, chewing on the metal piece, a little girl clinging tightly to her mother, another boy crying big alligator tears being comforted by two of the gals, someone holding out a sippy cup insisting on more water, dings and bells of children's toys singing from the next room. I loved it! It was clear that all the kids were comfortable in this home that they gather in twice a month, and that all the couples knew the children. This is what community should be about, coming together to break bread and share in one anothers' lives, even down to the needs of the kids.