our deepest fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The above words were spoken by Nelson Mandela, and originally written by Marianne Williamson.

good friday

I came across this you tube video on one of my professor's blog and appreciated that I was forced to stop and reflect on this season of remembering Christ's death. Quite a juxtaposition to watch these scenes of The Passion of the Christ to the song "How Beautiful". But there is such beauty here, unspeakable beauty. It's a reminder that the Christ I confess is not a story, not a myth, not a metaphor, but a reality. The world was broken, and his life, death and resurrection make it possible for us to be healed and restored to fellowship with God. If you'd like to watch the video, you can see it here: How Beautiful is the Passion of Christ.

We just studied atonement in my theology class, and I came away with such a full understanding (and still so many questions) of what it means to be atoned by Christ's death. In this act, there is justification, a penalty paid for our sin, sacrifice, forgiveness, mercy, reconciliation, redemption, an example for life, and triumph over darkness. Each aspect of what atonement means reveals more of the beauty inherent in it. What little I do understand causes me to love God more fully and more completely and to be more convinced than ever that there is no other way toward Him than through Christ.

the best husband!

On a lighter note, this week I have a doctoral class going on at work (I support the doctoral program). During these classes, one of my many responsibilities is to make sure the students have yummy food throughout their class to get them through their long days - they meet all day for 4 days straight. Last night I stopped by campus to clean the room up and get it ready for class today. David was with me, so he came in and helped me put things away and prepare for the morning snacks - so helpful! But I didn't even realize how helpful until I got to work this morning, and went to go restock some of the baskets of goodies that I will put out this afternoon. He had already done it! He'd even made sure that there were 2 of every flavor or variety. Sweet guy! I am so thankful... :)

sifting

It has a been a loooooong time since I have posted anything too substantial. It's not because there isn't anything substantial going on with me; more like I'm being bombarded by new things, lessons about life, belief systems, ideas, work challenges, clients' issues, my issues, and on and on. The past several months have been actually pretty transformational for me, and it's sort of all still sifting and settling. Actually, it feels like I am being sifted - that God is challenging me to really look at myself and my life up to this point and is sifting out some of the crummy stuff that doesn't need to continue to drag me down. I'm taking a class this semester called group counseling, which is about how to learn to lead counseling groups. Since the seminary is committed to great pedagogy, they believe that experiential learning is one of the best methods to teach us students (note my slight ironic sarcasm here), so for this class it means that we have been divided into counseling groups which we have been meeting in weekly for the past 10 weeks or so. Talk about totally dreading something - you'd think a counselor in training would be so excited to get together with a bunch of classmates and talk about myself. Not the case - at first. This experience has been amazing for me. I've been challenged to take risks that I don't normally take with people, opening up more readily and more fully than I normally do. It has been so rewarding. In January, I also started my individual counseling that is required for me to graduate (I'm halfway through my 20 sessions), and have been getting so much out of this! It's hard. I have a renewed respect for every person who has ever been a client for any period of time. It is not easy to commit to making changes in your life. So this has been quite the intensive therapeutic semester for me. I'm comforted to know that during the sifting process, God still has me firmly in His grip. If you think about a sifter (or colander or whatever), that's the whole purpose of the device; to hold something securely while the unneeded stuff is sifted out from the good stuff. I can't imagine trying to get through life without knowing I'm held securely in God's hands.

the cake

Tomorrow I turn 28! Birthdays remind me of cake. And cake reminds me of THE CAKE. In college, I lived in an apartment with three amazing girls for my last two years of school. There are many fun memories I could recount from those years, but one of the best had to do with the celebration of each of our birthdays. We would make a big deal for one another, streamers put up before dawn, city statues decorated in the middle of the night with a surprise birthday sign, a kidnapping to a local breakfast place, special meals. But the best part of each of our birthdays was THE CAKE. One of my girlfriends introduced us to this decadent creation; a rich chocolate cake with a cream cheese chocolate chip filling, smothered in creamy gooey cream cheese frosting, and, as if there is not enough sugar already, topped with chocolate chips. Absolute perfection! We would make THE CAKE for each of our special days. And then the four of us would proceed to eat the entire 9x13 cake in about 36 hours. Lunch became an excuse to help ourselves to a piece, an afternoon snack was perfectly complimented by a sliver, and dinner - well, a healthy dinner only deserved a nice helping of dessert, right? All of us have since confessed to even topping breakfast off with a small bite or two. Ah, such bliss!

yay, singing!

I had coffee with the worship leader at our church yesterday, and took the first step toward getting involved in singing on our worship team. :) For years I have been toying with the idea of doing this - something to get back into music! But I've never had the guts to do it - cause isn't there always someone with more talent or better qualified? But the idea wouldn't let go of me, so I finally did it. And then she totally surprised me by suggesting that I come this morning and sing with the team. It was so much fun! I had a blast - there is just something about singing that makes me smile. So I am refreshed, relaxed and very excited for the next time.

masks

A dear friend recently told me that while my blog is looking quite pretty, it's a bit lacking in new material. So this one is for you, LB..

I am back into the swing of things with work, school and internship. It feels good to be moving forward again, but I am also feeling the weight of all the items on my to do list. Someone asked me recently "what refreshes you?" and I was a bit stuck to find an answer. There are things I certainly enjoy - but as to what refreshes and restores me? Short of a 10 day trip to Hawaii I was having a tough time coming up with anything. Of course there are things - a good long brisk walk, laughter, friendships, a back rub, music, a hot bath, a glass of wine, time with the Lord. Trouble is, I have a hard time making TIME for these things. My answer to stress is to put on a brave face, revel in the importance of my busyness, and press on. The result? I have a great mask that pretty consistently and conveniently shields me from the world. This is the one thing in common I have noticed as I have been seeing clients - how the inner worlds of people are truly so different from the face on the outside. I had an experience recently - my first semi crisis experience at my internship- that brought up all kinds of emotion in me. Anger, fear, regret, hope, faith, disappointment in humanity, assurance in God, doubt in myself. All wrapped around this one individual and the circumstances that for some reason I was allowed to hear about. It was (and is, since it's not really over) confusing and difficult. And it is really weird to try to process all of this while recognizing that the story isn't mine, and it is not mine to tell. Yet it does impact me so very much. And anyone reading this is probably, like - "what the heck is she talking about?" No, I don't really have a point. Just that I am wrestling through the question of what I reveal to the outside world about me, and how I get it - I get why people hold things in, why they want to be good and be okay and why it is hard to admit that there is anything but pleasant stuff going on. I'm not any better at being real than anyone else.

The Real Me (Natalie Grant)

Foolish heart, looks like we're here again.
Same old game of plastic smile,
Don't let anybody in.
Hiding my heartache,
Will this glass house break?
How much will they take before I'm empty?
Do I let it show?
Does anybody know?

CHORUS: But You see the real me.
Hiding in my skin, broken from within.
Unveil me completely.
I'm loosening my grasp,
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause You see the real me.

Painted on, life is behind a mask,
Self-inflicted circus clown.
I'm tired of the song and dance,
Living a charade, always on parade.
What a mess I've made of my existence.
But You love me even now
And still I see somehow...

CHORUS

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When You look at me.
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life
Into a perfect tapestry.
Oh, I just wanna be me, I wanna be me.

CHORUS

And You love me just as I am.
Wonderful, beautiful is what You see when You look at me.

some light holiday reading

I picked up a Nicholas Sparks novel at the bookstore the other day, and was struck by these words from one of the characters:

"The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last."

Who knew such wisdom could come from Nicholas Sparks?

before and after

Before and after pictures of our living room (finished last summer), and our kitchen (finished last night!). All we need to do in the kitchen is replace the pantry doors to match the color of the new cupboards.

the Lord will fight for you...

As a counselor in training, one of the toughest theological issues that I face is how to reconcile the reality of pain and suffering with the character of God: loving, gracious, and powerful to do all that He is able to do. If He loves us so much, why does He allow the terrible pain that every human experiences? I confess that I could rattle off a slick answer; I have studied these doctrines in the past and we spent a good part of my theology class last night wrestling with this issue again. And I do have what I would call a head answer; a way to reconcile this seeming contradiction within myself, accounting for the biblical data while also being true to the reality and intensity of human emotion. But my prof showed us this video, a skit done to the song "Everything" by Lifehouse. And beyond any head answer I can provide, the video provided a heart answer; it illustrated my theology in a way that words cannot. I hope, if you happen to stumble across this posting, that it blesses you as much as it did me.

these boots are made for walkin'

For three years in a row now, I have pondered the purchase of tall black boots. Alas, I have either looked too late in the season, or been hesitant to pay the price. So this year, I decided I was going to do it. Sunday, after finishing a grueling theology exam, I gave myself a break and bought my early Christmas present. I know it's silly to be so excited over a pair of boots, but truly, this was a bright spot in my week. I'm wearing them today for the first time, and having so much fun!

the end is (sort of) in sight!

I met with my advisor at the seminary yesterday, to talk through scheduling for next semester. As we went through the classes I still have to take, and started to plan out when I would take each of them, I realized that I don't have as many semesters left as I had thought. It looks like I will walk in graduation ceremonies in the Spring of 2009, though I'll continue to take classes and internship through August to finish the final requirements. Crazy! That's only 5 more semesters. A little over a year and a half. If all goes smoothly, at least, which it may not. And then...? Anyone who knows me well knows what I am looking forward to most when I am done with school. Hint: they are really little, really beautiful, and are so wonderful to hold (when they are not crying).

happy halloween!

Last night between the hours of 6:30pm when we arrived home and 9pm when we decided to turn our porch lights off and blow out the candles in our jack-o-lanterns, we handed out almost 6 bags of candy to trick or treaters (David actually ran to the store to get more halfway through the evening). It was a steady stream of witches, superheros, pirates, fairies, black cats, princesses, lions, space figures, scandalously dressed girls that I was afraid to ask what their costumes were, and much much more. My particular favorite was a little 3 year old girl with blond pig-tails dressed quite believably as a cheerleader. We were also serenaded by 4 junior high boys (in full Christmas clothing) singing "Deck the Halls." They sang all the verses, and not the funny version; the real words! I told them they had skipped two holidays and went straight to Christmas, but sent them on their way with candy. It was SO much better than going to an adult Halloween party!

And, we received a picture of this little darling from my sister in law. I admit it, I'm a little baby-crazed these days. Man, I want my own little lion baby! :)

paradox and ambiguity

In group supervision on Monday we discussed the value of ambiguity. Without ambiguity, there is little motivation for decision, action or change. Life is good - or if it is not good, it is at least moving along some trajectory. It's at least easy to pretend that all is going well. But when we experience ambiguity, then we are halted. A fork in the road appears and suddenly things aren't so clear. My tendency with friends or family is to try to smooth the ambiguity out for people ("it's alright", "things will work out", "I'm sure you'll make a good decision"). In doing that, do I rob people of the value of wrestling with tough things? A lot of the time, ambiguity is what brings people in for counseling - a decision needs to be made, there is confusion over an experience, people feel stuck and don't know where to go for help. And people come to a counselor and think, "here is someone who can resolve my ambiguity." (Okay, so they probably don't think those exact words...) And I really want to do this for people! I really want to sweep in and rescue and make things better. But the thing is, it's not about me solving problems for other people. To promote growth in others, I just try to sit back and facilitate the person's process of wrestling with whatever ambiguity has them stuck. I think this is harder for me than trying to jump in and provide answers. I think that this is what God does for us, too, to some extent. When we wrestle with life, we can come to him and there is a safe place for us to rest, but he doesn't give us easy answers. He gives us his Word, His Spirit, and a community of people, but lets us learn to love him via our own struggling and wrestling with life. That must be really hard for God; to see his children embedded in the muck of life and to resist reaching in and rescuing us from all the icky stuff with one swift motion. But he knows that in rescuing us, he's halting our growth. So instead he makes himself available to us, but leaves it up to us to make our own decisions.

What I am currently wrestling with is theology! My theology class is making me think at an entirely new level that I feel unfamiliar with. So many ideas and differing opinions. I am experiencing ambiguity because I am recognizing the many paradoxes that define God; he is both majestic and above all, yet intimately involved with his creation; his Word is both a product of his own initiative, but written via human means; he is both loving and wrathful; he both knows his plans and purposes for creation, but allows himself to be dynamically involved and affected by his creation; and on and on. I think that my hope in wrestling with this ambiguity this semester is not that I will know more about God when I am done with the course in December, but that I will love him more because of what I am wrestling with.

amazing testimony

This is a great story of a young man from Australia:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USUvzKDroqM&mode=related&search=