paradox and ambiguity

In group supervision on Monday we discussed the value of ambiguity. Without ambiguity, there is little motivation for decision, action or change. Life is good - or if it is not good, it is at least moving along some trajectory. It's at least easy to pretend that all is going well. But when we experience ambiguity, then we are halted. A fork in the road appears and suddenly things aren't so clear. My tendency with friends or family is to try to smooth the ambiguity out for people ("it's alright", "things will work out", "I'm sure you'll make a good decision"). In doing that, do I rob people of the value of wrestling with tough things? A lot of the time, ambiguity is what brings people in for counseling - a decision needs to be made, there is confusion over an experience, people feel stuck and don't know where to go for help. And people come to a counselor and think, "here is someone who can resolve my ambiguity." (Okay, so they probably don't think those exact words...) And I really want to do this for people! I really want to sweep in and rescue and make things better. But the thing is, it's not about me solving problems for other people. To promote growth in others, I just try to sit back and facilitate the person's process of wrestling with whatever ambiguity has them stuck. I think this is harder for me than trying to jump in and provide answers. I think that this is what God does for us, too, to some extent. When we wrestle with life, we can come to him and there is a safe place for us to rest, but he doesn't give us easy answers. He gives us his Word, His Spirit, and a community of people, but lets us learn to love him via our own struggling and wrestling with life. That must be really hard for God; to see his children embedded in the muck of life and to resist reaching in and rescuing us from all the icky stuff with one swift motion. But he knows that in rescuing us, he's halting our growth. So instead he makes himself available to us, but leaves it up to us to make our own decisions.

What I am currently wrestling with is theology! My theology class is making me think at an entirely new level that I feel unfamiliar with. So many ideas and differing opinions. I am experiencing ambiguity because I am recognizing the many paradoxes that define God; he is both majestic and above all, yet intimately involved with his creation; his Word is both a product of his own initiative, but written via human means; he is both loving and wrathful; he both knows his plans and purposes for creation, but allows himself to be dynamically involved and affected by his creation; and on and on. I think that my hope in wrestling with this ambiguity this semester is not that I will know more about God when I am done with the course in December, but that I will love him more because of what I am wrestling with.

amazing testimony

This is a great story of a young man from Australia:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USUvzKDroqM&mode=related&search=

look at this cutie!

Four weeks ago, I became an aunt (for the 8th time, but still!). Here is cutie pie Jonathan Thomas Jr. His mom sent me this picture a few days ago. Agghhh! I was honored. David says he looks exactly like his brother when he was a baby (this is my nephew on David's side of the family). Look how much hair he has! It's even naturally spiked - such a trendy kid. They are back in South Carolina, so we've haven't had a chance to see them yet, but plans are in motion for them to be out here in December, and I think they might stay with us for several days! Yay, baby staying in our house with us. Oh yeah, it will be great to see my brother in law and his wife too. :)

junior high moment

I had an experience this week that transported me back to junior high, and all the sudden I felt like a dorky, insecure 13 year old who just wants people to like her. I was so mad that one tiny little thing could make me feel this way! It's frustrating that no matter how we grow and how hard we might work on some things, a comment, a look, an attitude can transport us back 15 years. I can sit here and tell myself all day that nothing was meant by the occurrence, and it does nothing. I hate that. I believe so firmly that God cherishes me as his child, that he has gifted me and given me passions that I can use in my life for him. And I'm so grateful for the security I find in him and the assurance (and the conviction of sin, too, of course. I'm not perfect and I know that). But even with all that, it just takes a single moment, and I feel like I just stepped out of a time machine on the campus of my junior high, awkward and shy, wondering if people like me. Gracious Father, help me put things back into perspective!

the possibilities in 10 minutes

I'm adjusting to going about my day at internship in 50 minute/10 minute intervals. 50 minutes with a client, then a 10 minute break, 50 minutes with a new client, then a 10 minute break, 5o minutes with a new client... you get the idea. I've been surprised by what can be accomplished in 10 minutes; a span of time which always seemed rather short to me before entering this field. In 10 minutes, I finish making notes in the client's file while things are still fresh, put the file away, get out the next client's file and briefly remind myself of some key ideas, use the restroom, refill my water bottle, eat something substantial enough to stop my tummy from grumbling, greet the next client and tell them I'll be with them shortly, touch base briefly with another intern to encourage one another in our day... it's amazing at what this little segment of time can be used for! It never seemed so full of possibilities to me before. :)